FAITH
AS SMALL AS
A MUSTARD SEED
CAN MOVE
MOUNTAINS.
MATTHEW 17:20
Hey y’all – it has been awhile since I have gotten to write – throw in business ownership, new baby, teething, then working night shift and the last four and half months have been a blur. I have had a yearning in my heart for a while now to share this story. I kept seeing the same verse appear in unlikely places, or a friend would confide in me over some anxiousness, and the stirring in my heart would not go away. I have wrestled with it going back and forth probably the last six months. My hope is that some people will find comfort in my story, peace, and know that you are not alone.
Last March, I had a doctor’s appointment to follow up after our last ultrasound where we found out that our sweet baby was a boy. I was about 24 weeks along and over the midway point of the pregnancy. It was cold and gray outside – but my good friend, Jeris, flew in to visit me and accompany me to the appointment.
I was excited about the doctor’s appointment and that my sweet friend would get to hear his heartbeat. When the doctor entered the room, he immediately sat down at his computer and began to tell me that there was a dark spot, called an Echocardiogenic Foci, in Cash’s ventricle that was a marker for Down’s Syndrome, birth defects, and other chromosomal abnormalities. The rest of the appointment was a blur. I could not tell you anything else that he said, other than I needed to follow up with a specialist in Columbus, Ohio for a 3D Ultrasound with a doctor who specializes in heart abnormalities. I held it together until we reached my car and I just broke down crying. Jeris grabbed me and told me not to worry and she prayed aloud for Cash to be perfectly healthy and thanked our Savior that he was already healed.
My pregnancy up until this point had been a breeze. Sure, I had some morning sickness here and there, but I was just so grateful that God had given us the opportunity to have a baby that I swore to myself that I would not complain. I see so many others that struggle with infertility, I knew this was a gift I could not take for granted. Now, my world seemed to be crashing down. I called Aaron and with his usual optimism, he told me to not worry and that everything would be fine. I felt like I had come so far in my walk with Christ, that He was abandoning me in the moment I needed Him the most. And immediately I thought, what have I done to my child. I felt so guilty.
I was in such a funk, but whenever I would feel Cash kick, I knew that I could not let Satan steal my joy in this happy time no matter what the outcome. With the help of my husband and mom I began to push back and think no matter what happens, this child is going to be precious, amazing, and loved beyond anything I have ever imagined. After all, God does not make mistakes.
On the day of the appointment I met with my bible study leader, Kathi. You hear in life, you need an Eli, someone who may be further along in their walk, and she is one of mine! Kathi sat with me, talked about what was going on in my life, and prayed for us. At the end of the conversation, she told me that she always brings a small box of bible verse cards and that would be my verse of the week. I blindly rifled through the cards and pulled out Matthew 17:20. This has always been one of my favorite verses and now it took on a whole new meaning.
On the way to Columbus, Aaron and I were so calm. Before the appointment, Kathi called me and she and her husband prayed for us again. I was looking forward to this appointment and now was excited that I would get to see Cash’s sweet face again. My nerves were gone.
The ultrasound tech did her measurements, took pictures, and recorded video. Cash was just as wild as he has always been, sticking his fingers in and out of his mouth (which he does regularly now). I never thought I would be so happy to see a thumb sucker. The specialist came in and told me that everything was absolutely perfect. The dark spot was completely gone. And had it not been, I would have been ok. I know that our God does not make mistakes. He is so sovereign and good. I learned a powerful lesson through this. That I could let the enemy seek, kill, and destroy my joy for this pregnancy, constantly wondering “what if”, or I could fight back through prayer and let him know – Not Today.
After talking with many women who struggle with some of the same feelings and unknowns, especially when it comes to pregnancy, I knew it was time for me to share this story. I hope that you feel the love and security of the Father taking you by the hand and knowing that He is there. He knows the ups and downs and He knows the ultimate plan for us to glorify Him. If you are suffering with any doubt, just read Matthew 17:20. Faith works. And faith moves mountains. God has designed us all on purpose for a purpose. Where we are today is no mistake. God uses each situation for His purposes. We can choose to live in fear, or we can choose to walk in His light and love. My prayer for each of you is that we always choose light over fear.
